Allowing Some Rebellion

It is a foregone conclusion that at some point in their teen years, every kid is going to rebel to some extent.  After all, that is a part of the process by which they are eventually going to separate from you completely.  In order for your teens to eventually go their own separate ways, they are going to have to rebel against you to some extent.  The trick is in picking your battles, and not sweating the small stuff.  Naturally, this is one of those things in life which is going to be easier said than done.  There are going to be times in which you would really rather not be bothered in the least by what they want, and where you might even stop them from doing something trivial.

There are a couple of types of rebellion.  The first is overt rebellion, which means that your kid is facing you straight on and telling you what they want to do, even though they are pretty sure that you are against their plans.  In some cases, it is best to flat out override them.  If they press you and you have a logical explanation for your executive decision, feel free to explain it.  They most likely won’t listen, but at least it is better than the old standby of “because I said so.”  If they can explain why their idea is okay, and it really works, allow it.

The other type of rebellion is the secret kind.  Now, since you were once a teen (and you undoubtedly had plenty of teenage friends), you know that this is no secret.  Lots of teens sneak out at night to go do things that may or may not be as much fun as they initially perceive them to be.  And a lot of teens do things that they naively assume you are never going to find out about.

Filed Under: Counseling, Relationships Tagged With: , ,

Allowing Your Teen to Drive

Depending on how you want to play the driving game, you can work a lot of different angles with your teen.  On the one hand, you can give them the impression that they have something approaching a right to drive (by never threatening their privileges, no matter what they do).  On the other hand, you can become downright draconian about it, and say things like, “you can drive… if you can figure out how to work the accelerator with a broken right foot.”  Or you can work the driving game somewhere in the middle, and lay out a set of rules that you expect them to follow if they expect to keep their privileges intact.

For one thing, you could leave the seat belt in an unusual position every time you get out of the car, and then check it after they have been driving.  If they have not used their seat belt, the punishment should be pretty severe.  If they do not do their chores around the house, the car becomes off limits until they go two weeks of perfect chore completion.  If they get drunk and drive, they do not drive again until they are 18- unless you want to take a hard line on it.  Your own stance is going to be individual, but the punishment should always fit the crime.

Driving is a very big responsibility that is completely wasted on most teenagers.  They see cars as fun toys (which they often are), when in reality driving is about work.  When your teens see driving as a serious responsibility that they are not entitled to being allowed to do, it should temper a lot of their less reasonable impulses.  Once they are responsible drivers, you can allow them to drive all of the time.  Unfortunately, by this point they are usually old enough to leave your home on their own, anyway.

Filed Under: Counseling, Relationships Tagged With: , ,

The Annoyance of Teenagers

A picture of Japanese high school students fro...

Image via Wikipedia

Teenagers are beautiful people.  Generally they are lean, strong, energetic and full of great passion.  While these things could be applied to incredible endeavors, teens usually just whiz them away in the misguided effort of reproduction and spend much of their later lives wondering why they did not apply their youthful power to something a bit more worthy.  Sadly, there are just no answers to questions like that.  Another annoying tendency of teenagers is that, by the time they are not a terrible annoyance to deal with, they are out of your hair and out living on their own.  Call it an irony if you want to, but it would be wonderful if they could be more responsible earlier in life.

After all, a lot of teens are pretty irresponsible even after they turn 18 years old.  They may whine, throw temper tantrums, and even cuss out police officers when they get high.  Sadly, there is not much that you can do about this.  Physical violence does not help, and reprimands only encourage more rebellious tendencies.  Half the time, you would like to just let your teens do everything for themselves, make terrible mistakes that could take years to fix, and then let them learn lessons the hard way.  But as a parent, you are a natural born sucker for their sympathy plays.

The good news is, if you give your teens responsibilities and interfere only in cases where a dire problem could exist (such as if your teen thinks the lawn could be more easily controlled if it were coated in gasoline and set ablaze), they will tend to learn responsibility more quickly than if you simply do most things for them.  After all, people who know only leisure generally find actual work all but impossible.  And as talented and bright as your teen may be, they are still going to suffer from inexperience.

Filed Under: Counseling, Relationships Tagged With: , ,

When Do You Need Help Dealing With Teen Rebellion?

At some point, all teens will engage in behavior that you simply don’t like. This is a normal way that teens establish their independence. This is the stage where you need to reiterate limits and outline the possible consequences that you will dole out. This type of rebellion usually goes away, but not without constant work on your part. Most teens who are simply testing limits will listen to you, even if they are belligerent.

Escalating bad behavior requires punishment. Continual rule breaking, attempting to call your bluff and increasing disrespect can still be controlled, but they require a harder stance. The key is to follow through with punishment. Don’t make threats that you don’t follow through on, as this simply gives them more momentum and a bigger advantage. If it starts to get more difficult, it’s important that both parents are on the same page and work together. Single parents may need to enlist a grandparent or another adult to show the teen that adults have the authority.

Zero tolerance behaviors like crime or drug use are very destructive and may be beyond your ability to handle alone. These may require a professional intervention. Sometimes the intervention happens in ways you don’t want it to, for instance, if the child is arrested. In that case the decision is made for you. Remember that if you stage it, at least you have some control over the situation. As difficult as it can be, you may need to get assistance before the child gets in trouble with the law. Putting it off may mean it is out of your hands, and there can be dire consequences.

Filed Under: Advice, Relationships Tagged With: , ,

Ways To Help Teens Become Responsible Adults

Teens can’t ever become responsible if they never learn to make choices. Over-scheduling, deciding how to occupy all their free time and taking away all their decision-making means that they never learn how to do these things for themselves. Responsible people learn to manage time on their own and act according to the right priorities.

Trying to solve all their problems and make everything turn out alright can actually be damaging. People who are never disappointed, embarrassed or heartbroken turn out to be shallow and insensitive. No one wants to see their child unhappy, but creating a false reality stunts their emotional development. Allow things to take their course, offer support when asked, but don’t try to manage every single situation.

Unless they are about to participate in something that is physically harmful or that has irreversible consequences, let them evaluate the risks and determine their own course of action. Buying impractical items, staying up too late or missing band practice all have consequences. By the time they are teenagers they should understand what will happen when they do these things. If not, its time for them to learn, No lecture can teach them what suffering the consequences can. Don’t go to bat for them when they have chosen to break the rules.

Remember that teens can’t learn to be responsible if they never see anyone else doing it. Practice what you preach as much as possible. If you make excuses for everything, you will soon find that your teens will start doing the same thing. Likewise, if they see you taking steps to improve, they will have an appreciation for responsible behavior and the rewards it can bring.

Filed Under: Advice, Relationships Tagged With: , ,
Newer Posts »